Throw 3 slices of bacon and 1 sausage per person into a pan.
Heat a can of baked beans (the Heinz blue can), in its “deliciously rich tomato sauce.”
Cut up a handful of mushrooms and a handful of tomatoes per person.
When the bacon and sausage are about halfway cooked, add the vegetables to the grease. Crack in one egg per person and fry slowly, basting occasionally with bacon grease. Don’t crank the heat too high—this should take a while.
Toast one slice of bread per person. Or, if you’re feeling sassy, push aside the bacon and fry the bread in the bacon grease. Serve all on one big plate.